Consumed

Have you ever been so consumed with something you’re worried once that thing you’re so consumed with goes away you will have nothing to take its place?

That’s me right now – consumed. With house selling. I’m cleaning the house, getting it ready to be looked at and judged, then wondering if anyone will deem it worthy enough to buy. This has been going on for four months now. It is a long time of trying to keep your house practically perfect, telling your kids repeatedly to not put their greasy hands on the walls, and being hopeful then disappointed. I am on the rollercoaster of real estate and I am not enjoying the ride. It is not thrilling and the only tummy-turning I’m getting is over anxiety. There is little reward until the house sells.

So, here I am….. consumed. With all of this. And I am already beginning to worry about what happens after the house sells. The house will sell (fingers crossed) and I will have free time and space. What will I do with it? What will be the next thing I’m consumed with?

Has anyone seen that movie, ‘Year of the Dog’? Molly Shannon is in it. It’s this quirky movie about an animal lover who goes a little nuts, then finds her passion and calling. I don’t know why I was so moved by this movie but I was. I’m still not sure if it’s that good of a movie. I’m not even an animal lover. My eyes rained at the end (that’s what my son, Benjamin, calls crying). She was consumed and a little crazy about her love for animals, but she found what she wanted to do with her life and felt confident about her choice. It was the right thing for her. Afterward I got all caught up in thoughts of what’s next for me?

I am a flip-flopper. I would not normally describe myself as one because I am outspoken and opinionated. But, when it comes to what I want to do with my life I am a bona fide flip-flopper. I do some motivational speaking; hence the website. I love it. It’s a tough market to break into. It’s like acting. It’s hard to get the gig. Is there something else out there for me to do? I have had fantasies of becoming an interior decorator. I have secret dreams of having one of my rooms in a home magazine. I could attempt to write a book. Now I’m blogging, but I have already had moments of panic. I’m journaling over the internet? How did this happen? Flip-flopping.

While I will be relieved to have the house sell I am nervous about the empty space it will leave. To be consumed is addictive. Will it be quiet and restful? Will that be too much to take? Do I need drama in my life to hold it all together? Is it the glue? Am I consumed with being consumed? I have no answers to these questions today. For now I will continue to be consumed with my house and then probably consumed with my flip-flopping. Will it be speaker, author, decorator or all three? My head is hurting.





In the beach
My kids and I went to Crescent Beach a few mornings ago. It was sunny and windy – just the way I like it. My favorite thing about the beach besides the long stretches of sand, an ocean that never ends and how it makes me feel alive is the smell. That smell of ocean and sun….don’t you think the air is just better there?

The Half Life

How many of us are living a half life?

I stumbled across this website a while ago where a question was posted (it had something to do with being fulfilled) and I was dumbfounded at all the responses from mostly women. They were embroiled in relationships they didn't want. They regretted not spending enough time with their kids. They had extra weight they didn't want. For those that had lost weight they were busy feeling guilty about it because their friends no longer wanted to stay friends. The ones that were stay at home moms wanted to get a job and the moms with jobs wanted more time at home. Some wished they wrote in journals. Others wished they rested more. It seemed they were living half a life.

That got me thinking. Is it a half life because we make it that way? Are we telling ourselves that what we're doing is never good enough? We don't say it out loud. We all know better than to say things like, I'm not good enough. But in a quieter back-of-your mind sort of way are we putting undue pressure on ourselves to do it all or do we genuinely want a different life? Would we be fulfilled if we wrote in journals more, got the job we dreamt of, and spent more time with our kids? Or would we still be unfulfilled hoping for something better to come along? That whole 'the grass is greener on the other side' syndrome.

What if we can't have it all? I know many women will say you can have it all - just not all at once. Well, what if you can't have it all.... ever? Let the question sink in a little before you shout, "How can you say that and that is sooo not true!" What if it is true and what if that doesn't cause despair like you think it should. See, I've been asking myself this question. I've been mulling it over and just when my heart is sinking over that thought my heart comes back up because maybe this isn't going to devastate me the way I thought it would. Maybe I can't have it all…. ever because I've never properly defined what having it all means.

Having it all, the way I've interpreted it, means having a degree, having a job that you love, being that hands on mom that you know you can be, traveling to exotic destinations, being seriously involved in charity work, and fitting in a trip to some part of Africa where you make a difference. I am this cultured woman of the world that follows her every whim, every longing and loves every part of her life. She's that eat, pray, love woman. No, I haven't read the book, but I hear this is the latest woman we should model ourselves after.

This is who I am: I don't have a degree - not even close, I am a hands on mom, but I'm also a hands off mom when I want some time to myself, I have traveled but not recently - I've only been as far as Whistler in the last six months. I haven't been to any part of Africa, but I have donated money to an organization that helps women in the Congo. I am not a cultured woman about the world. I like TV and I like my coffee. I do pray. I don't pursue everything I want. I love my family and friends and while I have people I adore in my life I can still feel alone. And I think that whole eat, pray, love thing is overrated.

So, am I living a settled half life? What if I'm okay with this and my life should only be considered a half life if I deem it to be.

What we think is a ho-hum life may be a great life. If you want to write in your journal do it. If you don't, then don't, and don't feel bad that you didn't. If you are in relationships that aren’t good for you remember life is too short to waste time with people you sorta hate. You'll always feel bad about not doing enough with your kids.... welcome to parenthood. I'm not saying that there isn't more to life or that it's not important to pursue your dreams or, you know, follow your bliss. I'm just saying that having it all might not be as exciting as it seems. Perhaps we are living a half life because we have let ourselves believe that it is. What if you're already living this amazing life and you just haven't discovered it yet?





In back to school!

I LOVE everything about back to school. A fresh box of crayons, newly sharpened pencils, backpacks, the crisp fall air (when it gets here), sweaters, the good apples, shopping, watching moms and their tween daughters shop – the daughters with tear-stained faces over some shopping frustration. It’s cruel, but I laugh every time I witness this.
It won’t be long before back to school will be official. Can’t wait!

The Over-sharer

Do you ever find people telling you things that make you really uncomfortable? There’s not a lot that makes me squeamish. I can take most things from friends. I have my fair share of weird things to say too. But, every once in a while you get that person – the overly-familiar person (they talk to you like they have known you for years, but you’ve only just met) that confides something to you that you weren’t sure you wanted to hear.

I was once ambushed in a conversation by talk of some colon cleansing treatment you can get done at a spa. There were actual pamphlets on this. Has anyone else heard of this?? No, don’t tell me! There were three of us in the conversation, but only two that took part. I really, really didn’t want to hear about these people’s colons being cleansed. I think that look of eeewww across my face should have been a dead give-away. But I was trapped and heard way more than I wanted to hear. I finally got away after I saw my way out. There was a friend in the crowd. I said something lame like, “I hope that goes well for you” to the enema twins and took off to a safe place.

Why oh why do people have a need to over-share? I first read about over-sharing in Entertainment Weekly. It was a great article about this compulsive need to share way too much about oneself, but in this case it was about celebrities – well, talk show hosts spilling their guts via the stage. There was some situation with Ellen and a dog that was no longer hers? I heard there was much pleading and tears.

Perhaps we need to gauge our audience a little. It’s okay to be choosy about who you’re going to share the intimate details of your life with. We all need to confide and confess, but maybe it’s not necessary to do that with everyone you come into contact with. I too have been an over-sharer. I once shared too much with someone and this someone was a friend and I thought she could handle what I was going to say. I wish I could describe the face that she made…. it was definitely not a ‘tell me more’ face. She was clearly uncomfortable.

I did find my target audience later after I shared it again with some other friends. They leaned forward and showed all signs of wanting to talk about it. I learned my lesson. If someone’s face is all scrunched up in an ‘I’m horrified’ way or they have become too quiet or they have actually said to you, that is too much information, then you probably need to stop.

In all things pirate!
I love boys’ clothes with pirate stuff on them. I found jammies that have skulls and crossbones all over them (for Ben - not for me) and I will receive them in 6 to 7 business days..... beautiful online shopping. My son, Benjamin, turned 3 two days ago. He had a pirate themed party. Here is Pirate Ben (costume made by gramma).

Swept Up

I love things that you can get swept up in. Music that makes you feel….. a movie that is not your life at all but you wish that it was…. books that grab you….. a really great sale. I can get caught up in quiet too. There is nothing quite like quiet. I can even get swept up in a good cup of coffee. In this state I am either very present or on top of the world. I love that feeling.

There are the every day realities of life and some of that is good and some of that is not so good, but I have things I can lose myself in or put myself in to and that gets me through. I get to temporarily be swept up and feel!

Growing up I didn’t often enjoy feeling. I found it awkward that feelings were always there and didn’t go away no matter how much I tried to distance myself from them. Now I relish them. Sad, happy, whatever…. I settle into it. I get quiet (quiet makes room for those pesky feelings) and I let the feelings well up. Non-feelers you should try this. Watch out though. You may feel things you have never felt before. That’s the danger of keeping your feelings at bay. Once you let those emotions in…… watch out!

If I’m sad I find the melancholy music that matches it. If I’m feeling thoughtful I’ll find music with some soul, go for a drive, or these days blog (apparently). If I’m feeling particularly dramatic I can talk someone into talking about the drama or go to the beach. The beach can be very dramatic. If I need to escape all of it I’ll go to a feel-good movie. I don’t let my emotions rule me, but I respect them and allow them a significant place in my life. Being swept us is exactly that. I can’t stay swept up. I have to come down – gravity and all. But, there is nothing like that moment or hour and a half of being completely connected or far away….

Speaking of being swept up I am beginning a little add on to my posts called Swept Up. This will be about things that inspire me or things that I just love.

Here is my very first Swept Up item:

Chocolate

There is a place in Fort Langley that has chocolate that is to die for. It’s called Euphoria Chocolates. They have hand made, wax and preservative free chocolate. My kids know the owner as the chocolate lady. They serve delicious coffee as well. If you look at the website take note that the times for when this place is open have changed. I know this because I am there that often. They open at 9am every day except Sunday.

If you go try the truffles – the dark chocolate/raspberry truffle is particularly yummy. And there is this milk chocolate/caramel/pecan cluster thing that you can’t help but love. I sound like a commercial, but, this place is that good.
Say hi to the chocolate lady for me.

TV

I love TV. I used to feel guilty about my love for TV until I met my friend, Jenn, who also loves TV. She isn’t even ashamed to admit it! I have followed her example and I now proclaim my love for TV to anyone that will listen.

I think my love for it began while I was in the hospital. I spent all day every day in the hospital for seven months so my love for TV had a lot of time to develop and grow. I explored the world of travel. I discovered that Victor from Y & R looked exactly the same as he did all those years ago when I watched it as a kid with my mom. The stories had not changed either. I got to know all the ‘Friends’. Game shows became entertaining as well as challenging. TV filled up my time and kept me distracted and it still does that today.

It’s my port in the storm. When I’m feeling down or I can’t sleep or I’m just blah I turn on my television and I can almost always find something that will make me feel better. Even if it’s an episode of Seinfeld that I have seen a hundred times it’s comforting to know that the show is still there with its studio audience and stories about nothing. One of my favorite things to do is to get all of my treats together (chocolate – right now my favorite is the dairymilk fruit & nut bar….. yes, the old person’s chocolate bar, popcorn, and a coke & cream soda slush), put on my pajamas, get into bed, and watch a new episode of one of my favorite shows. Oh, how I heart you Lost, Friday Night Lights, 30 Rock, the Office, Grey’s Anatomy……

TV can be unpredictable. There have been many times, without warning, there’s a repeat or a favorite show has been canceled. It can be quick to pull the plug. It’s hard to get over a canceled show that I love, but inevitably there’s an onslaught of new shows to take its place and I fall in love all over again.

I don’t have the TV on all the time. I have kids, so I need to spend time with them. I like to read and I like being outside. I do spend time with real people. But, that isn’t the point. It’s just that TV is always there for me. I can take a break from it when I want to. It’s on my terms. I switch the TV off and on. It makes me laugh and feel and sometimes cry. It’s my form of therapy and it comes with no strings attached. I can’t wait until the fall when all my favorites return. For now I have reruns and another favorite, Mad Men, to keep me company.

Worst Case Scenario

Do you notice that people (including me) start a lot of sentences like that? Worst case scenario……. we lose the house and live on the street. Worst case scenario……. I have no job and we’ll be penniless. Worst case scenario……. it’s cancer and it’s a rare form that’s inoperable. These are extreme examples, but a lot of us do this all the time just on a lesser scale.

Do you think there really is such a thing as a bright side? And how can there be when we’re always playing worst case scenario?

Do you sense a theme with what I’ve writing about over the last while?

If I look at everything through my giant lens of fear there will always be a dark shadow cast over everything that I want, desire, and need. I see the flaws before I can get my hopes up. Everything is already falling apart before it has a chance to come together. There’s no silver lining. And I am suffocating.

Don’t we sometimes want to get our hopes up – stupidly, blindly get our hopes up? Take a risk with our heart on that someone we’re getting to know? Believe that we can achieve what we set out to do? Have that perfect something fall into our laps?

I know we run the risk of getting hurt, being disappointed, and ultimately crushed but maybe, just maybe something will work out. You’ll find what you have always wanted. That someone will like you back. Your business built on integrity and passion might be successful after all. And like all Disney princesses your dreams will come true.

Bright side or worst case scenario? I’m going to get my hopes up and pick bright side.

Brownies and Rainbows

Do you think miracles still exist? I always hear of these great, over the top, miraculous stories that are never happening to me. They are extraordinary stories of healings, money coming in and meeting that bill of $5670.02, crossing paths with that perfect person that gets you your dream job.

I know. I know. There are the day to day miracles that we often overlook. The miracle of the green grass and the blue sky, a plane getting you from one destination to the next, and Christmas (I like Christmas).

I used to be one of those people that hoped and believed that anything could happen, that all things are possible. I was that kid that believed in the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I really did. I even looked for it.

Growing up makes everything look smaller like when you visit your old elementary school and the hallways and classrooms look a lot squishier than you remember. Everything once looked so big and shiny and exciting. Now it’s smaller, worn out, and not so shiny. I like being a grown-up. I don’t want to recapture my youth exactly. It’s not about winding back the clock or getting de-wrinkled. I just miss the belief that youth brings.

You’re not suspicious that when something good happens something bad will follow. You trust and believe that things will work out. There’s not a lot of doubt or we’ll see. There’s yes and absolutely! There’s more naivety, but it’s simple. In that kind of simplicity there is room for the big and the miraculous. Tomorrow really is a new day and the past disappointments don’t matter. Life can be an adventure for the guarded and the cynical.

I feel like that kid in the movie Polar Express where Tom Hanks punches out letters in his ticket and the letters spell out BELIEVE. Maybe I should approach life more like a child and B..E..L..I..E..V..E. It beats doing that grown up thing called worrying. It couldn’t hurt to be more like my five year old daughter who came up to me the other day and said, “My favorite things are brownies and rainbows.” Me too.

Tuning Out

It’s a somewhat sunny day and I know I should be outside. This is BC after all and the sun is fleeting around here. But, I was outside yesterday and the day before that. I spent most of the afternoon at the park with my kids yesterday. So, now I’m a good mom and I shouldn’t have to go outside, right?

Guilt. It’s everywhere. Did you know that when you become a mother you acquire more guilt than you already have? It comes out of nowhere. Your baby is born and poof! There is guilt. I should hold the baby all the time. I should never leave the baby. I should have fed the baby sweet potatoes – make that organic sweet potatoes - instead of strawberries. Then when they’re older it’s, I should be super content to just tend to my children, I should not let them eat so many fries, I should always listen attentively and not just say yes to the question I couldn’t understand, I should care more when they’ve fallen down for the hundredth time.

Aside from mom guilt there’s the regular guilt that I feel as a regular person. For instance I have this shame that I like clothes so much. I have tried to tone down my love for shopping, but I can’t. It’s a force greater than me. I do know my limits. If there is no money I will stay away from the stores for fear that I will break down and dip into the overdraft. The love is that strong.

I once got very angry with one of those construction people holding the stop/slow signs. What are they called? Traffic controllers? People with hard hats, bleached out hair, bad jeans, and a smoke in one hand? I got mad to her face. In my defense she yelled at me first. I felt horrible about it afterward and immediately called one of my friends to confess. The guilt got to me. Looking back I don’t know what I felt so guilty about. She deserved it.

Some of us have a higher guilt threshold. You might be reading this and think that I am far too sensitive and you have no guilt about any of the things I mentioned. Good for you. Seriously. Tell me how to live like that.

It seems guilt is something I will be plagued with my whole life. I have to say though it’s getting slightly better as I get older. I’m honing the craft of tuning out. Life is too short to let guilt get in the way, so I acknowledge the guilt and release it. (I hear that’s what people do when their home is haunted by ghosts.) Just like I’m going to do right now as I take my kids to get ice cream. At least we’ll be outside for a little while….

Building Character

While I was in the middle of my own personal hell someone said to me, “This will build your character.” They whispered it to me like it was some incredible secret that only I was being let in on. I didn’t know my character needed building.

While people mean well, and one day I’ll do a whole essay on the dumb things that people say when one is going through a hard time, words of wisdom like it will build my character don’t tend to bring comfort.

But, here’s the thing. Being in a difficult spot can build character. You can’t have character built against your will. You are a part of the building – a part of the process in which you grow and change and become more. You choose how you’re going to build, where you get your resources from, and what tools you will use to build with.

When faced with a hard time in your life you survive and endure. You are laying the foundation. This is the beginning. Your job is to survive. Then you buckle down and you endure. It’s not glamorous. It’s not even complicated. It’s instinctive. You just do it.

Building on the foundation: Perseverance, the Fight

This is what you tack on to survival. You take the surviving and you move forward one step at a time. You need to muster up some energy for this one. This motion may go undetected to the naked eye, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t moving. You need to move forward even if it’s slow in order to get from endurance to perseverance.

Before you know it you’re in the fight. The fight isn’t rocket science, but it may be some of the hardest work you’ll ever do. It’s hard because you take hits while being hit. It’s a lot of back and forth. One minute you’re winning and the next minute you’re on the ground wondering how you got there. Maybe you’ve lost a job. Maybe you’ve lost someone. Maybe you’re just lost. You’re doubled over having been hit with grief and, well, loss. It’s okay because eventually you get up and it’s not too long before you’re gaining ground and winning. In the middle of the loss and grief you might find peace, acceptance, laughter, maybe even some answers to your questions. These are things worth fighting for.

You don’t usually go through something hard to build character – it’s not the goal, but character gets built because of how you’ve chosen to go through your journey. When you get to the other side take a step back and see what you have become – what you have built. You are strong, secure, compassionate, perhaps a little raw and vulnerable, but you’ve taken difficult circumstances and navigated them to the best of your ability and you have come through. People will call you things like survivor, brave, courageous. This is nothing to sneeze at. These characteristics are now a part of you and they were probably there all along. That is something to celebrate.

Living from the heart

I wanted to write about this before I forgot why it’s so important to live from that place called the heart.

The heart. It’s this God-given thing that we have that moves us and makes us crazy. To follow your heart is, in my experience, almost always the right thing to do. My heart hasn’t failed me yet. It’s my head that has.

My heart will tell me to take a risk, dream big, and trust. My head will tell me to guard myself, prepare to be disappointed, and keep my expectations low. This is what I have found myself doing over the last few months. I’ve been following my head and while you might think that guarding yourself and expecting little should be little work it is far from that. It is work to squelch hope and to just get by each day. Slowly you come to believe that there isn’t a lot of good around anymore and the world becomes a darker place. It breeds insecurity and unbelief.

Maybe you think I’m giving the brain a bad rap. Your head/your mind are perfectly fine and living from that place has kept you safe and healthy and, well, fine. The mind is a wonderful thing – don’t get me wrong. This is where logic and reason lie. We need these things to survive and I try to use them often. What could smart people be excited about without their giant heads?

I am saying that your mind can talk you out of your heart. My heart will compel me to dream big and impossible while my head will say there is no way that’s going to happen so get over it.

My heart needs to win this battle of head versus heart. I might not achieve the impossible dream, but I need to dream it anyway. I need to believe in what could be. It’s this that keeps us going and keeps us alive. My heart will save me from myself.